Hate America Firsters
"Hate America Firsters" (HAF) are a group of people who defend all that is hateful to America. Their first and only tactic is to attack America, and while "Love America Firsters" are busily praying for guidance, the HAF do unspeakable things to The United States Constitution and The Baby Jesus. Identifying Characterists A member of the HAF can easily be spotted, if you know what to look for. * If "male," "he" would have long hair, and would most likely be crying. * If "female," "she" would be underneath a car changing the oil, or removing the engine with "her" bare hands. Vehicles * The most frequently used vehicle for an HAF would be public transportation or bicycle or some other communist-style vehicle. :* However, if an HAF owned a car it would be a Prius or some other foreign-made car, like a Volvo. There would still be a "Gore/Lieberman 2000" or "Kerry-Edwards 2004" bumper sticker on it. Clothing When HAFs wear clothing, it is usually not clean, and smells alot. * The "men" wear dresses and tie their luxurious hair up with dainty-colored ribbons. * The "women" wear men-beater shirts, and no bras. Their shorts barely cover their hairy legs and hold up their black socks with those garter things. Jobs If an HAF could break away from having abortions, and buying crack, they would be working at Air America Radio. Hang-outs HAFs hang out where people don't mind their smell, since they don't bathe too often (something about natural, blah, blah, blah, whatever). Places would include: * coffee shops, where they can drink their lattes while Hating America * libraries, where they have books so they can read about Hating America * any place with trees because they like to chain themselves to them, why? I don't know, but I am sure it has to do with Hating America * The People's Republic of San Francisco * France * Hollywood Behaviors Besides Hating America, HAFs have several habits unique to their kind: * If "male," the HAF would be crying and blaming everyone else for his lost manhood. * If "female," the HAF would be working at some job that "she" stole from a True-American Man. "She" would simultaneously be breastfeeding. * Listening to Air America Radio. What To Do If You Spot An H.A.F.? If you spot an HAF, contact your local police, or FBI field office. Be sure to tell the dispatcher to contact the Department of Homeland Security for you, while you make a True-American Citizen's Arrest™. It's that important. Capturing an H.A.F. * If "male," lure the smelly, crying Commie with a latte and any smelly French cheese. If that doesn't work, all you have to do is scare "him," and "he" will instantly fall into a fetal position. * If "female," however, you may have to use pictures of beautiful women, like Ann Coulter to get it's attention. If you are a real woman, the mere suggestion of gay-marrying "her" will subdue the beast long enough until the authorities come to take "her" away. Although, this last tactic is not recommended for young and impressionable True-American Girls™ as it is dangerous and may lead to not shaving your legs and/or armpits. Deprogramming Being in the presence of an HAF, even for a short time, may irreperably expose you to their un-American ways. Therefore, you must be properly assimilated back into the True-American™ Love America™ First America™. To do this, you must follow the instructions below: # Find a flag, wrap yourself in it snuggly. # Spit on the next person who walks by you who doesn't salute the flag. # Yell at anyone who has brown skin to, "GO BACK TO MEXICO!" # Call in to any radio program and simply scream, "Rush is Right!" This should do until the next time you go to church. This has been brought to you by the Kansas Board of Education. Famous H.A.F.s Even though they should not be given any attention, Americans must know who they are, so they won't be able to hide any more. Herewith is a short list of the most dangerous H.A.F.s: * Dixie Chicks * Al Franken * Ben Affleck * Anyone Named Clinton * Jane Fonda * Pro-Bear Lobby * Sean Penn * Billy Bragg If you believe your neighbor, a family member or anyone else you know may be or might become an H.A.F., please contact your local police, local FBI field office, or Homeland Security "Buddy" by speaking clearly into any plastic plant. A law enforcement official will arrive shortly.